I’ve been wrestling with the Lord a lot lately.

I desperately want to have my life all together, from the inside out. I would like the perfect life, wherein I can balance all things, and be this great person that everybody loves, and then love the Lord as well. As an afterthought.

Jesus is not rolling with this plan. Jesus just wants me in His presence, and wants me to rest and trust in Him, and to accept the gift of grace he offers. To drink in his mercy and to love his words and to hope in his promises.

And those things I struggle with more than anything.

I can order my life to not need Him at all, and then be frustrated when I feel far away.

I long for great faith and for all the spiritual gifts that I don’t have. Discontentment and bitterness rages within me.

However.

It is all a gift. Every part of God that I know in my heart. I’m so lucky to have been saved by grace.

The amount of faith I do have is a gift. Perhaps it is as small as a mustard seed, but it is there. And here is what Jesus said about faith – even my small faith:

 For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.

(Matthew 17:20)

He says through prayer and fasting this faith will be brought forth, and nothing will be impossible.

The desire to have more faith is a gift. This desire means that my mind is being renewed. It is a sign of my setting my mind on things above.

The indwelling of the Holy Spirit is a gift. Do I get wild, prophetic visions about my life in my dreams every night? No, I do not. However, I do get a chill down my spine when I hear song lyrics about taking the Lord’s hand and flying with Him.

A small chill is the Spirit in me filling with excitement for communion with God. A longing. A sign that my soul has not wandered too far away, and that out of these depths I will rise, holding on to the hand of the Beloved himself.

With this, I am satisfied.

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3 thoughts on “

  1. I love this. I relate so much to your words and thoughts. I desire to have it all together and then feel so sad when it looks like I might have actually managed it because then loneliness and distance from God sets in. It’s so unbelievably endearing how much God wants us to just accept that we are needy and he wants us that way and then to remember to fill that neediness with his love and not our own expectations and demands. He loves you. He loves me. It is wonderful and he will fight us till we accept his love that is such a wonderful gift 🙂

  2. “It is all a gift. Every part of God that I know in my heart. I’m so lucky to have been saved by grace.

    The amount of faith I do have is a gift. Perhaps it is as small as a mustard seed, but it is there. And here is what Jesus said about faith – even my small faith” – these words, your words really spoke to me… I’m so glad I stumbled upon your blog. you’re beautiful!

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