“You really…tickle my fancy.”

This is a line from Beauty and the Beast, the show I’m currently in. The candelabra, Lumiere, and the feather duster, Babette, have a little flirtationship going. And there’s this scene with them that happens right before one of my entrances, and we ran through it today whilst doing our first run-through of the full show.

They both do a great job with it, which essentially means I AM UNCOMFORTABLE. I mean, the scene is kind of supposed to be uncomfortable in a funny way, but for some reason that – or really any other romantic scene in this show – or any romantic scene anywhere, for that matter – makes me want to crawl out of my own skin/sprout wings and fly away/etc. During that particular scene, I always am flailing out of my sheer uncomfortableness backstage, and my cast’s Cogsworth finds it hilarious.

I’m just confused, though. I feel like I’ve been boy/romance/wedding/etc crazy forever (or at least since middle school). I feel like someone shut that switch off inside of me. I saw Divergent the other day, which made me extremely weirded out (I mean, Tris and Four’s relationship is really angsty and unrealistic anyways but STILL IT WAS UNPLEASANT) and when people make comments about me “meeting someone” in college I want to run away screaming.

I even used to be obsessed with wearing my purity ring all the time, and having the little claddagh symbol turned in so that when I found THE ONE I could turn the symbol out and everyone would know of my great romance. But now I wear it with the symbol turned out (’cause I’ve already met the love of my life and I’m spending eternity with Him sooooo) and I’m considering not wearing it at all anymore. Because, what’s the point? I feel like it’s less of a significant thing than I thought it was. If I’ve made a commitment to stay pure and am choosing to keep that (which you can gather that I will, given my current feelings about romance), I don’t need to go showing it off to everyone. It seems to me more like a “lol im Christian and not married yet WHEN YOU’RE READY COME AND GET IT NANANANANA” token. (Not bashing people who /do/ wear them happily; that attitude was just kind of the way I was exploiting use of my purity ring during my boy-crazy times.) I mean, I used to like them. I understand their significance to some people. But I don’t feel like it applies to me anymore.

And meh. What if I don’t want to get married? Does it still matter if I wear it or not then?

What’s wrong with me?


2 thoughts on ““You really…tickle my fancy.”

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