So today I woke up and decided today was going to be A Really Great Day, for no particular reason. I did my devotionals and said things like this in my eager church-girl internal monologue:
“Shower your grace on me today! I want to learn more about you today, Jesus!”
The thing about being a Christian and asking God to show Himself to you is that, well, He does. And He follows the One Year Adventure Novel curriculum to a tee, because He shows Himself to me in the least expected of ways. Like this morning, for example.
Expectation of Asking God to Show Himself: I go through my day seamlessly, get all my homework done, honor my parents perfectly, run into approximately 300 people that I encourage effortlessly, and share my testimony at least twice. I have the spiritual gift of encouragement, and I use it every waking second of today, darn it.
Reality of Asking God to Show Himself: I try and fail to ignore my dad as he tells me I’m getting rather behind in schoolwork. I try to find some flaw in his rationale of being a normal, loving parent and being involved in helping me get my schoolwork done on time. I yell at him. Then I cry. This reaction is all caused by the fact that I am trying to Run the Show of My Life, which is exactly NOT what God has intended for us to do whilst walking with Him. I know this. I know this well. So I feel miserable for, once again, failing to trust God in my day-to-day life. Then I go on Pinterest.
Do you identify more with the expectation, or the reality? I wish I could say the expectation is more “me,” but it’s really not. I’m emotional and overly sensitive. I sometimes ignore people who I know need encouragement instead of taking the extra second to love them. I’m hypocritical. Worse, I’m Pharisaical. Somewhere in the back of my mind I remember that God has blessed me immensely to be a light to the world for Him, but sometimes I feel incapable of doing anything but taking everything personally and drowning my teenage sorrows in Pinterest. And when I get into this lazy-failure mindset, I don’t get anything done at all.
So I was finishing up a quiz for OYAN, and this was one of the questions:
And I clicked true without thinking about it, but then I stopped – do I actually live like I believe this to be true?
Because, when I’m succeeding, I’m happy, and I think I learn best when I’m happy. But when I fail?
“Wow geez did I really just do that I can’t believe I just did that wow I suck I’m a failure I can’t do ANYTHING” *dissolves into a pile of tears*
That’s not a really great learning mindset, to be paralyzed out of fear of further failure. This mindset is way detrimental for growth in my faith.
It’s not that God’s wrecking my life here; it’s that I have an attitude problem.
I don’t want to fail. I hate failing. It’s humiliating. But, if I have a prideful spirit in the way I look at my life and my walk with God, the way that He helps me is by showing me the weak places and humbling me to start over and lower myself enough to say that I can learn from my failures, no matter how horrible or embarrassing or hurtful-to-others they may have been.
And then, maybe we can look at our failures like the Robinson family does:
(side note: I really love this movie because I can relate to Lewis so much, especially in this scene. An invention of his failed, and he was feeling understandably miserable about it, but the Robinsons, like, throw a party for him. Because they know that failure brings great lessons to be learned. Man, they just get it.)
The mercies are fresh every day, friends. Want to re-learn and re-build with me? I promise I won’t preach to you. 😉